When someone says something unexpectedly rude or launches a personal attack, our instinct is to defend ourselves and fire back. That rarely helps. In fact, it often makes it worse.
There’s a far more effective response. Simply ask them to repeat what they just said.
Four simple words, spoken calmly and without sarcasm. “Could you repeat that?”
Why It Works
Many toxic comments are impulsive. People say something in the heat of the moment without fully hearing themselves. When you ask them to repeat it, they have to consciously decide whether they really want to say those words again.
Many people immediately soften their statement. Some rephrase it. Others realize how inappropriate it sounded and quietly backtrack. Occasionally, they’ll even apologize before repeating anything.
The beauty of this approach is that you did not accuse them of being rude. You simply gave them an opportunity to hear themselves.
You Stay in Control
One of this technique’s greatest strengths is what it does for you. When someone attacks us, our heart rate rises, our logical brain shuts down, and our emotional brain takes over. That’s when we say things we later regret.
Asking someone to repeat themselves buys you time. Those extra seconds let your emotions settle and your thinking catch up. Instead of reacting, you respond. That alone changes the tone of the conversation.
The Key Is Your Delivery
This only works if your tone is genuinely calm. Not smug, not confrontational, not theatrical.
Convey that you didn’t hear them. “Sorry, could you repeat that?”
Say nothing else and wait for their response.
Silence is important because it places the decision squarely in their hands. Resist the urge to explain why you’re asking or to defend yourself immediately. Let them decide whether they truly want to own what they just said.
What If They Double Down?
Of course, it is possible that the other person will repeat the insult without hesitation. If they do, don’t reward it with an argument. Don’t match their emotion or search for the perfect comeback. Instead, respond with something neutral.
“Interesting.” Or, “I see.”
Then wait for their reply.
Conflict needs fuel. The fuel is emotional energy. The moment you provide it, the other person often becomes more fired up.
Calm has the opposite effect. When you stay composed, there is nothing for them to push against.
You’re Also Training People How to Treat You
Even if they walk away believing they won the exchange, you may have accomplished something more important than winning that battle.
You’ve taught them that you’re not someone who engages in that kind of interaction.
Most people don’t keep investing effort where there is no payoff. If someone realizes they can’t bait you into an emotional exchange, they’ll often change how they interact with you or move on to someone else who is willing to engage.
Without saying a word, you’ve communicated an important boundary. This is not how conversations with me are going to work. That choice often shapes not only the conversation you’re having today but also the conversations you’ll have with that person tomorrow.
About Merrick Rosenberg
Merrick Rosenberg is the creator of the Eagle, Parrot, Dove, and Owl personality framework and author of Personality Intelligence: Master the Art of Being You. As an award-winning speaker and founder of Take Flight Learning, Merrick has helped hundreds of thousands of people unlock the power of personality styles to transform their communication, leadership, and relationships. He’s on a mission to make self-awareness accessible, fun, and unforgettable.