We’re quick to interpret what we see. A smile signifies engagement. Silence suggests disinterest. Energy shows it is landing. Flat faces mean it isn’t. That approach works until it doesn’t.
Years ago, I led a session for a group of rocket scientists, literally rocket scientists who placed satellites in orbit. Brilliant minds, deep thinkers, classic extreme Owls.
From the moment I started, something felt off. No reactions at all. No laughter at stories that usually made the crowd laugh. No nodding, no energy coming back to me. It was like I was speaking into an empty room.
If you’ve spent enough time on stage, you learn to read a room. And everything I sensed told me they weren’t into it.
To be honest, it messed with my head. Nothing was working.
I walked off that stage thinking, “That didn’t go well.”
After my talk ended, they approached me one by one. They shared specific takeaways, connected ideas to their work, asked thoughtful questions, and told me exactly how they planned to apply what they learned.
Many people told me they enjoyed the talk, and several even said, “That was the best talk I’ve ever heard.” I was thinking, “Were you at the same talk I just gave?!?”
As someone with the enthusiastic and expressive Parrot style, I expect to see engagement. I’m wired to pick up on energy and reactions. If people enjoy something, I assume it will show on their faces, in their body language, and in the room.
But that room wasn’t empty. It was full, just not in a way I was used to seeing. They weren’t disengaged. They were thinking. And thinking doesn’t always show an expression.
The quiet person isn’t always disengaged. They might be processing. The person who doesn’t react emotionally isn’t indifferent. They could be internalizing. The one who doesn’t speak up immediately might be forming something more thoughtful than anything said aloud.
We judge inner experience by outer expression because it’s quick and convenient. It gives us a sense of certainty. But it’s often just a projection of our own style, not an accurate read of someone else.
The mistake is assuming that our way of expressing is the standard. I can assure you, it’s not. It’s just one version.
When you broaden your perspective, you stop overvaluing what’s visible and become curious about what isn’t. You give people space to engage in their own way.
About Merrick Rosenberg
Merrick Rosenberg is the creator of the Eagle, Parrot, Dove, and Owl personality framework and author of Personality Intelligence: Master the Art of Being You. As an award-winning speaker and founder of Take Flight Learning, Merrick has helped hundreds of thousands of people unlock the power of personality styles to transform their communication, leadership, and relationships. He’s on a mission to make self-awareness accessible, fun, and unforgettable.
